The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did): By Phillippa Perry. The Book Review

Have you ever had one of those moments where a book seems to see you? I’m not talking about an escape into fiction, but the kind of book that feels like it’s been lurking behind your kitchen window, taking notes on your life. That was me with The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry. I wasn’t expecting a self-help-style epiphany. I picked it up in desperation after my toddler and I had a stand-off over whether biscuits qualified as dinner. The moment I heard myself snap, “Because I said so!” I realised I was two tantrums away from morphing into my own mother. Enter Philippa Perry, with her warm, chatty wisdom, to save the day.

This isn’t your typical parenting manual. Perry doesn’t deal in “training” kids like they’re Labradors (no offence to Labradors). Instead, she shifts the focus from tactics like sleep training or discipline to what really matters: the relationship you have with your child. “The core of parenting is the relationship you have with your child,” she writes. “If people were plants, the relationship would be the soil. The relationship supports, nurtures, allows growth, or inhibits it.” That metaphor was a mic drop for me. It’s so easy to get bogged down in the nitty-gritty of daily parenting (like why there are raisins in the DVD player) and forget the bigger picture.

Perry’s conversational tone is a delight. She writes like the wise but approachable aunt who gives you a reality check while also telling you it is okay to cry into your coffee. The book feels less like a lecture and more like an invitation to reflect on how your own upbringing influences your parenting, on how you respond to conflict, and on what your child might really need in those messy, emotional moments. For me, it felt like a pep talk wrapped in a hug.

One of her standout pieces of advice is about being kind without sacrificing honesty. She explains, “Being kind does not mean you don’t share your feelings when you are angry. What it does mean is explaining how you feel and why but without blaming or insulting the other person.” So, instead of my usual frustrated, “Why won’t you just listen?!” I tried saying, “I feel really frustrated because I want to help you, but it feels like you’re ignoring me.” Did my toddler immediately transform into a cooperative cherub? Nope. But the shift in tone opened up space for connection instead of confrontation. Progress, not perfection.

Now, let’s be real: this book isn’t perfect. It’s less of a step-by-step guide and more of a philosophy, which might leave you wondering, “Okay, but what do I do when my teenager won’t speak to me, or my baby won’t sleep?” One minute you’re deep in toddler tantrums, and the next you’re unpacking adult children’s resentment. Also, some of her advice, particularly on baby sleep, made me wince in solidarity with my sleep-deprived friends. Telling a mum running on three hours of sleep to lean into emotionally intelligent bedtime bonding feels... ambitious. My advice? Take what resonates and leave the rest.

What lingered with me long after I closed the book was Perry’s insight on ruptures and repair. She writes, “Ruptures—those times when we misunderstand each other, when we make wrong assumptions, when we hurt someone, are inevitable in every important intimate and familial relationship. It is not the rupture that is so important, it is the repair that matters.” It was a relief to hear that parenting (and life in general) isn’t about getting it right every time. It’s about owning your mistakes, apologising, and showing your child that relationships can survive imperfection. That lesson alone made the book worth it.

So, would I recommend it? Absolutely. If you’re a parent, grandparent, or someone just trying to make sense of their family dynamics, this book has something to offer. It’s not about creating a perfect family (whatever that means), but about promoting relationships that are honest, nurturing, and real. And isn’t that what we all want?

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